A talk with my dad

6 Mar

Growing up I always saw my dad as a tough man. Fearless, strong, never intimidated by the words or actions of others. I rarely ever saw him cry or show much emotion… he was this girls idea of …Superman.

Fast forward the tape to today, and instead of a fearless” superman”, I sat with a humble, raw and real father. A man whom I have seen break down, cry out and just want to run home. As a daughter it is never easy to see your parent in pain; just like it is never easy to see your child in pain. And as much as you want to rescue them, there are times that God wont let that happen because he has a different plan.

It was not very long ago that my dad was in a dark place. Alone and at rock bottom, he decided that he was going to do something he had been contemplating for months. He took the white sheets off his bunk and began rolling them up and tying them together. He started thinking of his life; past, present and future. His mind wandered to one bad decision after another and painful memories he could never erase. How could God ever forgive and love him?  It wasn’t possible, and in that moment he decided that ending his life was his way out.

It was in his moment of hopelessness that God’s grace and word became crystal clear. He said to me, “ All I kept hearing in my mind was the scripture that says, you my son will be separated from me for eternity.” And with his eyes filling with big tears he continued, “I knew that if I killed myself , I wouldn’t be able to ask for forgiveness. There would be no hope for me.”

It’s the words… Wouldn’t be able to ask for forgiveness, that I can’t seem to shake even at this moment. He would have lived eternity separated from God with no chance for forgiveness from that mistake. To his dismay, God had a different plan. Someone found him before he could take the next step and end his life and he said that from that moment on he had peace.

Ever been there? Stuck in a place that seems so hopeless and so far from God? Did you ever just want to jump?

I don’t think feeling like this makes one a coward or weak, I think it makes us real and fully DEPENDENT on God! It keeps us in a place of knowing that we are all sinners and have fallen short… but it is in those moments of great weakness, God shows GREAT strength. My dad wanted to run… he wanted out of the pain and brokenness and didn’t want to remember anymore, but God wanted and NEEDED him to remember… because it was those dark memories that finally made him run to the ONLY one who could truly set him free.

Our mistakes and failures make us rely daily on a God who makes the windshield of our lives bigger than our rear view mirrors


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