What you NEVER say or ask a mom of multiples (or ANY mom for that matter)

18 Sep

This is a real conversation that took place at Costco today:

Lady: Ahhh, are they twins?

Me: Yes.

Lady: Both girls? (Hints the reason they are wearing dresses and giant bows in their hair)

Me: Yes.

Lady: Wow, they don’t look-alike! (Now, she wants to become observant”

Me: No, they don’t.

Lady: Do they have the same father? (Insert crickets here)

Me: Okay, have a nice day.

And with that, her Q&A session was over.

I know that I always joke around about some of the questions, comments and advise I have been given over the last 13 years, but what I am about to write here is by no means a joke. In fact, if you are one of the people who feels that it is your God-given duty to stop every pregnant woman or mom pushing a stroller and ask her questions, let me make this VERY clear… IT IS NOT. In fact, just as soon as you are out of her sight… She is cursing the fact that she ever met you and your barrage of questions. Trust me, I do it almost every time I take the twins out in public!

So, I am here to help you. Yes, that is right. I am here to ENSURE that you are never cursed but rather praised by moms everywhere. To do this, I have created a little “guide” of things you are to NEVER ask another mom, expecting mom, woman or even a turtle. But if you are like my mother, and you always feel compelled to talk, I have added what you SHOULD SAY. (Please note, all the questions and comments I am writing about, have been asked or has been told to me over the last 13 years. And because I have two sets of twins, most of these are geared toward multiples.)

DISCLAIMER: I personally feel that you should simply smile and keep on walking anytime you see a random stranger!!! Remember “Stranger Danger?” (just saying’)

Ok, here we go.

Never EVER under ANY circumstances ask following:

* When are you do? I mean really why do you care? Unless you are planing on buying her a gift or bringing her dinner after she delivers her bundle of joy… it is not your concern. And what if she is not pregnant? Ouch. Keep walking.

* Did you have them vaginally? This one is always a favorite, because every unnecessary question requires an unnecessary and uncomfortable answer. No, I gave birth through my BUTT.

* How long were you in labor? Because this is usually followed by a story about your labor experience… don’t go there. Most moms (especially with multiples) dread going out… have VERY limited time… and have no idea who you are, so your labor story is pointless on every level.

*Are you nursing? Only if you are willing to help out and lend an extra boob should you ask this one. If not, then IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

* Did you conceive naturally or have “help?” Unless she is “Mary” something tells me she had help one way or another, so save yourself from getting the “She deserves the STUPID card”… and never ask this one please!

*Were you trying to get pregnant or was this a surprise? Again, why would anyone care? How is knowing this going to make you a better person after you get the answer? EXACTLY.

* (When there are two) Are they twins? Okay, if they look like they might be the same age… are dressed alike… or have shirts on that say, “Thing 1” and Thing 2” common sense is going to tell you, YES they are probably twins. (Most fraternal twins do not look-alike. So again, use your brain and just observe the above noted hints, this might help you conclude, yea, they shared a womb, but look different.)

* Do you have a boy and a girl? Or if there is just one… is it a boy or a girl? USE YOUR EYES! Here are some helpful ways to determine the sex of the child… If they have earrings… probably a girl. If they have a bow in their hair, or in my kid’s case, glued to their head… probably a girl. If they are wearing a shirt that says, “Daddy’s little man” or “Mommy’s big boy”… probably a boy. If they are dressed in yellow, green, or grey and do not have earrings, a bow, or a lot of hair… don’t ask at all… that one is a hit or miss and I say when in doubt… just keep walking.

* Are they identical? If you were dumb enough to ask the question noted above, and the patient parent was kind enough to answer, and tells you one is a girl and one is a boy… use the process of elimination… they are not identical. If they are both the same sex, but look nothing alike, again… process of elimination. Just save yourself the shame.

* Do they have the same father? Ok, really? I don’t think I need to explain this one… but hey, if you are dumb enough to ask that; ask if they have the same mother too.

* Are you planning on having anymore children or are you finished? Again, unless this information is going to be life changing for you personally… why do you care? You are wasting time that poor mother can never get back.

BONUS TIPS: Here are just a few comments that most moms of twins really don’t care about or need to know!

* I am a twin. Good for you. You deserve a gold star.

* My mom’s grandma’s neighbors daughters friend… has twins. Well gosh darn, wish I could welcome her to the club.

* Oh you have “Double Trouble.” Thanks for pouring salt on an open wound!

* Your poor husband. Screw You!

*I bet you never sleep. You’re right I don’t. I am a vampire with insomnia.

* Wow, you look really good for just having a baby (or babies) I know many think this is complimentary, but it is not! In fact, it just a reminder that we have a “you just had a baby/babies” body.

* You are so blessed. Yes, any parent is, but when you are beyond sleep deprived, wearing the same outfit for three days in a row, smell like poop while draped in spit-up, and can’t really hear what you are mumbling because the echos of screaming are ringing in both ears… blessed is not the word we feel and really just want to punch you in the face 🙂

Now, what TO say:

NOTHING

How about you just open the door for her when you see her struggling to maneuver the big ol stroller with a screaming baby or babies inside and then kindly nod and KEEP WALKING. This my friend, (AND MY MOM,) will speak volumes. It will say that you actually DO know someone with twins or a baby, and they have given you the “guide-book” and you have followed it. It will say you respect her privacy and that you have your own life and don’t need to be a “Nosey Nancy.” So, unless a mom starts a conversation with you… be her hero, and just let her get in and out of wherever she is.

One day I will write a book and possibly take my act on the road. Until then, I will keep educating people (MY MOM) with comedy and charm. And for the over sensitive reading this… I am only kidding. I LOVE all your questions and comments, and your advise… is priceless. HA HA HA

Many Blessings~Summer

This is a picture taken today… and I think Reese’s expression sums up her’s and my frustration to the
Father comment. Love it!

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2 Responses to “What you NEVER say or ask a mom of multiples (or ANY mom for that matter)”

  1. lindseynicks September 18, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

    OMG I was cracking up reading this!! Its so true! Why is it that the freaks tend to come out and share their opinions and stupid ?s with you! You are a gifted writer!

  2. justine humphrey September 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    I love this segment! I adore your bluntness, I hardly have the energy to say screaw off but now I can feek a tad better if I do

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